I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
New first...just saw an entire family of homeless hitch hikers...kids and all. God, i love Oklahoma!
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
My hope for you over spring break is that you can be some disease free girl's random spring break mistake.
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
Randomize
