I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
