Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
Randomize
