last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
I don't think blacking out in class is a good idea. But I'm game
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Randomize
