I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
Anyways enough about genital fatigue...
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
Randomize
