i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
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