when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
ugly people sure do ruin things
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
Randomize