Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
There was blood everywhere. She was pretty good looking person though.
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
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