when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
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