allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Randomize
