alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
Do u kno any dealers?
I've officially lost all respect for you, dad.
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
There was blood everywhere. She was pretty good looking person though.
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
