I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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