dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
smoked four grams out of a bong with a mixture of pool water and white rum. I applaud you for leaving before losing too many brain cells.
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
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