I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
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