Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
Why are your pants in the freezer?
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
Basically we had a threesome in one room and a fivesome in the next room. Its what I like to call a win win situation.
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
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