I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
you were acting out moves from the wwe, in a dress. then you sceamed "you can't see me" and ran out of the apt.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
