My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
Randomize
