booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Randomize
