doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
Randomize
