Is it wierd that I kind of wish I could hang out with Melissa Joan Hart?
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
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