he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Randomize
