at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Randomize
