i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Randomize
