just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
Randomize
