does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
Just think Febushuary. A whole month of 70's esque bush! This is the dream
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
Randomize
