I wish my penis had an off switch
Whore.
I was being facetious
Don't try to hide behind big words.
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
Randomize
