There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
is it bad that the cashier at chick-fil-a shouted "see you tomorrow!" as i drove away?
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
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