there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
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This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
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....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
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