my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
So he said if we had sex he'd take me to Build A Bear. My virginity is so worth a trip to build a bear.
You're 20.
IT'S BUILD A BEAR!
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
I was less embarrassed asking him to torrent the teen mom's porn. I'm not gonna ask him to about season 4 of PLL.
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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