did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
