I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
Randomize
