his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
The dutch village is so much worse hungover. Fuck them and their wooden shoes.
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
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