Old men and throwing up are my life now.
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
i find it sad that i can no longer sit in the back of class for fear that someone will fart into the heater again.
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
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