Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
Randomize
