Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
Holy shit dude........stairs
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
