Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
Randomize
