god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
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