Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
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