I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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