started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
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