Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
Randomize
