I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
We just had sex on an abandoned logging road while wearing snow shoes. God bless Montana boys.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
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