He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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