Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
her teeth should be alot whiter from all of those blowjobs she gives
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
Randomize
