just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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