I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
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Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
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I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
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