Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
Randomize
