dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
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sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
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