Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
No I come to this class stoned every week. Except last week when I was drinking in class
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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