Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
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