i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
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