I molested 6 butterflies tonight
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
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I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
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You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
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