then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
Randomize
