I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
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